yesterday's class was even stronger than saturday's -- when i went in with terrible cramps. other people were complaining that it was too hot yesterday and i felt it was cooler. it is possible that i have simply gotten over the hump and am now beginning to really get the benefits of the yoga. i only had to sit down once in class, during the second set of triangle pose. other than that, i made it through class strong and focused and calm. the core muscles in my belly feel worked which is a sign that i am using them more than my extremities to hold postures and push myself deeper.
i plan on attending class again today and will hopefully again walk out of there with that familiar super-hero feeling.
namaste.
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05 July 2010
04 July 2010
bikram yoga -- interlude to letting go
during one of the first bikram classes i took here in austin, the teacher said something very interesting. it was about how people in the united states have a really hard time letting go, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and in all ways. the teacher said that this manifests in so many ways; when we get injured and create stories and meanings and blockages about that injury, when we go through hardships and then define our lives by the challenges we've been through, when we tell ourselves we can't do something because we could never do it before, when we generally just hang on to all the hard stuff because "it made us who we are" rather than letting it go and moving on to what we can and will become.
this was a really powerful and important message for me right now as i contemplate moving away from the place i've always thought of as my home and as i practice breaking out of old patterns and constrictions based on old, old stories i've always told myself about who i am and what i want and what i'm capable of.
i have such a hard time letting go. i have such a hard time moving on from difficulty. i spend a lot of time telling myself and others about all the things that have happened to me in the past. all the ways i'm limited or scarred or scared or hurt. i constantly remind myself of all the ways i've been abused, misused, misunderstood or all the terrible things i've experienced or had happen to me. it's like somehow these things keep me grounded and remind me of who i am. i think, though, that it is okay to let go these things. that it is okay to set these things on the memory shelf to ponder and look at as needed, and instead to start creating new stories and new experiences. to make space for who i am now and who i will become.
because of course the problem is that it is only the challenges and difficulties and hard things that i keep reminding myself of. it's not the great experiences, the wonderful friends, the joy and happiness i've had, the wonderful places i've seen, the successes, the great journeys, the love i've felt from others and the love i've given, the praise i've recieved, the personal goals and achievements i've made and reached. it is none of these things that i remember and none of these stories i repeat to myself. i seem to find it really easy to let these things go.
so, a big part of my practice right now is to let go; physically while doing the yoga and mentally/emotionally in my daily life. it is a real challenge and mostly leaves me feeling both ungrounded and full of excitement and anticipation. like learning the inside of some new skin.
this was a really powerful and important message for me right now as i contemplate moving away from the place i've always thought of as my home and as i practice breaking out of old patterns and constrictions based on old, old stories i've always told myself about who i am and what i want and what i'm capable of.
i have such a hard time letting go. i have such a hard time moving on from difficulty. i spend a lot of time telling myself and others about all the things that have happened to me in the past. all the ways i'm limited or scarred or scared or hurt. i constantly remind myself of all the ways i've been abused, misused, misunderstood or all the terrible things i've experienced or had happen to me. it's like somehow these things keep me grounded and remind me of who i am. i think, though, that it is okay to let go these things. that it is okay to set these things on the memory shelf to ponder and look at as needed, and instead to start creating new stories and new experiences. to make space for who i am now and who i will become.
because of course the problem is that it is only the challenges and difficulties and hard things that i keep reminding myself of. it's not the great experiences, the wonderful friends, the joy and happiness i've had, the wonderful places i've seen, the successes, the great journeys, the love i've felt from others and the love i've given, the praise i've recieved, the personal goals and achievements i've made and reached. it is none of these things that i remember and none of these stories i repeat to myself. i seem to find it really easy to let these things go.
so, a big part of my practice right now is to let go; physically while doing the yoga and mentally/emotionally in my daily life. it is a real challenge and mostly leaves me feeling both ungrounded and full of excitement and anticipation. like learning the inside of some new skin.
03 July 2010
bikram yoga, class 11 -- so much better
i skipped class yesterday to get a massage and nurse my cramps. today, i didn't want to go because my cramps were so bad. even as i drove there, i was sure i wouldn't be able to even stay in the room. but i went anyway. as soon as class started, my cramps released and i did one of my strongest classes yet. the temperature was just a little cooler today than it has been the last few times i've gone and it seemed to make all the difference in the world.
there wasn't much new or different about today's class, only the huge relief when i left the yoga room feeling so much better than when i went in.
afterwards, amy and i hosted a few ladies for a summer dinner of pesto, pasta from athens ohio, a zucchini/summer squash/fire roasted tomato sauce, and fresh tomato slices with salt and pepper -- all purchased at the austin farmer's market today.
there wasn't much new or different about today's class, only the huge relief when i left the yoga room feeling so much better than when i went in.
afterwards, amy and i hosted a few ladies for a summer dinner of pesto, pasta from athens ohio, a zucchini/summer squash/fire roasted tomato sauce, and fresh tomato slices with salt and pepper -- all purchased at the austin farmer's market today.
01 July 2010
bikram yoga, classes 9 & 10 -- when will it get easier?
when will it get easier? this is the question i keep asking myself. i've now done 10 classes in 12 days and i still have to sit down multiple times in class. i keep thinking i should be further. i should be able to do more.
the truth is that i am doing more. i am finally starting to feel the edges of the full expressions of some of the postures in class -- standing bow pulling pose and rabbit pose and even triangle pose when i can actually get through this posture without having to sit down. maybe it's because i'm going deeper into the postures and going practically every day that i am still struggling to stay standing or engaged through the whole class.
i ate pesto 3 hours before class today and that was a bad idea. raw garlic can be added to the list of foods not to eat before bikram yoga -- this list is currently peanut butter and raw garlic.
i'm also stronger during the breathing exercises. i've also figured out how to touch my hand, my knee and my opposite foot all together while twisting my upper body around in the very last posture of the class. i've also worked most of the residual swelling out of my wrists and forearms seemingly for good. i've also been able to straighten my legs almost completely (for the first time today) in the 2nd to last pose of class.
my whole body is tightening up too; stomach, thighs, arms -- the skin is smooth and the muscles feel strong. my skin in general looks great -- my excema has cleared up, my skin is hydrated and clear. my mind is clear. i am focused. feel really able to deal with stress. i'm calm and collected. even in the midst of my friend's car accident, the very clear message that i need to go back to school, the idea of moving (again), quitting my previous job, even with all that and probably more i'm forgetting, i feel calm and focused.
there are still postures that are very difficult for me -- standing leg head to knee posture, eagle pose, full locust, cobra, but there are more that are just getting easier -- locust, standing bow pulling, standing stick, triangle.
i'm still having trouble remembering to breathe while in posture. and still also having a little trouble adjusting to the actual heat of a 105* room. but all in all i think i'm doing pretty good. and feeling even better.
the truth is that i am doing more. i am finally starting to feel the edges of the full expressions of some of the postures in class -- standing bow pulling pose and rabbit pose and even triangle pose when i can actually get through this posture without having to sit down. maybe it's because i'm going deeper into the postures and going practically every day that i am still struggling to stay standing or engaged through the whole class.
i ate pesto 3 hours before class today and that was a bad idea. raw garlic can be added to the list of foods not to eat before bikram yoga -- this list is currently peanut butter and raw garlic.
i'm also stronger during the breathing exercises. i've also figured out how to touch my hand, my knee and my opposite foot all together while twisting my upper body around in the very last posture of the class. i've also worked most of the residual swelling out of my wrists and forearms seemingly for good. i've also been able to straighten my legs almost completely (for the first time today) in the 2nd to last pose of class.
my whole body is tightening up too; stomach, thighs, arms -- the skin is smooth and the muscles feel strong. my skin in general looks great -- my excema has cleared up, my skin is hydrated and clear. my mind is clear. i am focused. feel really able to deal with stress. i'm calm and collected. even in the midst of my friend's car accident, the very clear message that i need to go back to school, the idea of moving (again), quitting my previous job, even with all that and probably more i'm forgetting, i feel calm and focused.
there are still postures that are very difficult for me -- standing leg head to knee posture, eagle pose, full locust, cobra, but there are more that are just getting easier -- locust, standing bow pulling, standing stick, triangle.
i'm still having trouble remembering to breathe while in posture. and still also having a little trouble adjusting to the actual heat of a 105* room. but all in all i think i'm doing pretty good. and feeling even better.
28 June 2010
bikram yoga, class 8 -- a new view
8 yoga classes in 9 days.
today, the owner of the studio i'm now attending taught the class at 2pm that i attended. his sweet white dog cashew hung out outside doing her own form of yoga in the waiting room.
the owner's name is cosmo and he taught a great class, walking around and giving people adjustments and corrections.
at one point in a posture called "fixed firm pose" he stood next to me and suggested i try to go further. i said "i can't do it". he said "try". i did but only part way. he said, "now raise your arms over your head and see what that feels like". i said, "i don't think i can." he said. "try". i did and i went into the full beginner's expression of the pose. in this posture, you sit with your knees bent under you, but to the sides of each hip so your butt is on the floor and your knees are bent with your feet out to the sides of your body. you bend backwards towards the floor so the whole front of your body is facing the ceiling, except your knees, shins and feet. normally i stop with my elbows on the towel next to my toes, with my back arched and my head hung back.
today, cosmo got me to lay my entire back down on the floor!! and then to raise my arms above my head in a crossed position!! before, i had always thought i would break in half if i did this. or really hurt myself or have some kind of panic attack. but none of that happened and i rested there, felt that new view throughout my entire body and now have a new yoga move under my belt.
it was a great day.
today, the owner of the studio i'm now attending taught the class at 2pm that i attended. his sweet white dog cashew hung out outside doing her own form of yoga in the waiting room.
the owner's name is cosmo and he taught a great class, walking around and giving people adjustments and corrections.
at one point in a posture called "fixed firm pose" he stood next to me and suggested i try to go further. i said "i can't do it". he said "try". i did but only part way. he said, "now raise your arms over your head and see what that feels like". i said, "i don't think i can." he said. "try". i did and i went into the full beginner's expression of the pose. in this posture, you sit with your knees bent under you, but to the sides of each hip so your butt is on the floor and your knees are bent with your feet out to the sides of your body. you bend backwards towards the floor so the whole front of your body is facing the ceiling, except your knees, shins and feet. normally i stop with my elbows on the towel next to my toes, with my back arched and my head hung back.
today, cosmo got me to lay my entire back down on the floor!! and then to raise my arms above my head in a crossed position!! before, i had always thought i would break in half if i did this. or really hurt myself or have some kind of panic attack. but none of that happened and i rested there, felt that new view throughout my entire body and now have a new yoga move under my belt.
it was a great day.
27 June 2010
bikram yoga, class 7 -- a new studio
the class package at the first studio i attended expired yesterday so today i drove at least twice as far to the second studio on my list of bikram studios to try out while i'm in austin. the first studio is called byd and is located just west of downtown austin. i had to drive within a stone's throw of the capital building and through the main tourist center of Austin, past the whole foods headquarters and then i was there at the heart of the city doing hot, sweaty yoga.
the new studio is out in strip mall world, i have to drive north of austin city center along two highways and into the land of strip malls and gas stations and concrete.
my first day at this new studio did not leave me with a good impression. but i will refrain from details until i've given it a little more of a chance.
the room was very very hot. maybe the closest to the 105* temperature i've ever been in a yoga room. i think even the byd studio didn't fully heat their rooms to the 105* temp even though it felt so much hotter than i was used to.
during the class, i was up against a wall in a crowded room, 3 rows back from the mirror and right next to the owner of the studio (i didn't find this out til later) whose dog sat right outside the door and stared at his owner throughout the class, sometimes barking to get his attention. the barking picked up as class drew to a close, as if the dog friend knew the timing and knew he was about to get more attention and the company of his owner very very soon.
the first 50 minutes of class are a series of standing postures that focus on balancing and strengthening the legs, core muscles, even the arms. usually this is the hardest part of the class for me but today i pushed hard during this first part and was able to maintain my balance so much better than at any time in the past week. my legs are getting stronger and i don't have to think about getting them in the right state of strength and solidity anymore -- "locked out, knee and thigh lifted, like a solid concrete lamp post -- you have no knee" -- they just go there automatically.
but by the time i got to the floor series, usually the strongest part of the class for me, i could barely stay in the room, let alone do the postures. i lay in savasana (corpse pose) for at least one quarter to one half of the floor series, trying not to get up and leave the room.
this is the closest i've come to ever leaving the room. i think i was dehydrated and didn't have enough water to get through the class. i drank 1 quart of water and a coconut water in the first 5 minutes after class.
all in all, a good class. i can feel my body getting stronger in certain ways and staying put in others. this is normal. i feel good.
the new studio is out in strip mall world, i have to drive north of austin city center along two highways and into the land of strip malls and gas stations and concrete.
my first day at this new studio did not leave me with a good impression. but i will refrain from details until i've given it a little more of a chance.
the room was very very hot. maybe the closest to the 105* temperature i've ever been in a yoga room. i think even the byd studio didn't fully heat their rooms to the 105* temp even though it felt so much hotter than i was used to.
during the class, i was up against a wall in a crowded room, 3 rows back from the mirror and right next to the owner of the studio (i didn't find this out til later) whose dog sat right outside the door and stared at his owner throughout the class, sometimes barking to get his attention. the barking picked up as class drew to a close, as if the dog friend knew the timing and knew he was about to get more attention and the company of his owner very very soon.
the first 50 minutes of class are a series of standing postures that focus on balancing and strengthening the legs, core muscles, even the arms. usually this is the hardest part of the class for me but today i pushed hard during this first part and was able to maintain my balance so much better than at any time in the past week. my legs are getting stronger and i don't have to think about getting them in the right state of strength and solidity anymore -- "locked out, knee and thigh lifted, like a solid concrete lamp post -- you have no knee" -- they just go there automatically.
but by the time i got to the floor series, usually the strongest part of the class for me, i could barely stay in the room, let alone do the postures. i lay in savasana (corpse pose) for at least one quarter to one half of the floor series, trying not to get up and leave the room.
this is the closest i've come to ever leaving the room. i think i was dehydrated and didn't have enough water to get through the class. i drank 1 quart of water and a coconut water in the first 5 minutes after class.
all in all, a good class. i can feel my body getting stronger in certain ways and staying put in others. this is normal. i feel good.
bikram class 6: a scorpion in the room!!!!!!!
i skipped my 6th day and moved my 6th class to the seventh day i've been in austin. i needed a break for 1 day to re-group and also to take care of a couple other things that were going on.
my 6th class was yesterday (saturday) and it was a little wild as far as yoga classes go.
first, right before i arrived a saw a man in a thong riding his bike around the city streets of austin.
second, there were two new students in class and a brand new bikram yoga teacher who didn't know how to give them corrections. they were doing all the postures wrong and could have potentially hurt themselves. plus they were really distracting and standing directly in front of me. maybe this repeating circumstance is just a reminder to me to pay attention only to my practice and not to everyone else. i did a lot better this time than with the previous distracting situation.
third, halfway through class a woman sat up and pointed to the ground and said "it's a scorpion." yes, that's right; A SCORPION loose in the room with a bunch of half naked, sweaty, focused-on-other things people. the yoga teacher smashed it and someone said "are you going to kill it?" as if it was some horrible anti-yoga thing to do. he said "yeah. it's a scorpion!" i agree!
anyway, it was a good class for me. i felt stronger after my 1 day break. i worked hard.
today, i go to a new studio here in austin to take advantage of their 2 weeks for $20 unlimited yoga special. it's further away and i have to get on the highway to go there.
one thing that has been really interesting in doing yoga so regularly is that it has helped the swelling that hasn't left my forearms since i had carpal tunnel, tendonitis stuff happen in february. each day in yoga, the heat and intensified circulation of blood through my body makes my forearms swell to epic proportions. then after i leave class and cool down, the swelling goes down and they look more and more normal after each class. it's really great. all the blood rushing there during yoga creates a draining away of more and more of the stagnant blood or fluids that have been stuck there for almost half a year now.
i feel good. so happy to be here giving this gift to myself.
my 6th class was yesterday (saturday) and it was a little wild as far as yoga classes go.
first, right before i arrived a saw a man in a thong riding his bike around the city streets of austin.
second, there were two new students in class and a brand new bikram yoga teacher who didn't know how to give them corrections. they were doing all the postures wrong and could have potentially hurt themselves. plus they were really distracting and standing directly in front of me. maybe this repeating circumstance is just a reminder to me to pay attention only to my practice and not to everyone else. i did a lot better this time than with the previous distracting situation.
third, halfway through class a woman sat up and pointed to the ground and said "it's a scorpion." yes, that's right; A SCORPION loose in the room with a bunch of half naked, sweaty, focused-on-other things people. the yoga teacher smashed it and someone said "are you going to kill it?" as if it was some horrible anti-yoga thing to do. he said "yeah. it's a scorpion!" i agree!
anyway, it was a good class for me. i felt stronger after my 1 day break. i worked hard.
today, i go to a new studio here in austin to take advantage of their 2 weeks for $20 unlimited yoga special. it's further away and i have to get on the highway to go there.
one thing that has been really interesting in doing yoga so regularly is that it has helped the swelling that hasn't left my forearms since i had carpal tunnel, tendonitis stuff happen in february. each day in yoga, the heat and intensified circulation of blood through my body makes my forearms swell to epic proportions. then after i leave class and cool down, the swelling goes down and they look more and more normal after each class. it's really great. all the blood rushing there during yoga creates a draining away of more and more of the stagnant blood or fluids that have been stuck there for almost half a year now.
i feel good. so happy to be here giving this gift to myself.
25 June 2010
bikram yoga, class 5
my fifth class, and i still feel tired. not much like a superhero. the one thing that is getting better is my "bikram-style sit up" -- a straight legged sit up that explodes up from a prone position on the floor with two loud exhales. usually i have to bend my legs to do the sit up. i've been able to use my core strength and belly to come up quickly and cleanly and with strength. that is the one part of my practice that seems to be continually improving. oddly enough because i've never gotten better at it throughout the whole time i've been doing this yoga -- over a year.
i came home agitated again from this class. and not sure why. there was no floppy, annoying person in front of me this time and the teacher did a good job. i just felt agitated.
i was able to focus on my breath a lot more today and used my breath to go a little deeper into some of the postures.
i'm still having a really hard time with balance.
the teachers often say at the end of class. "thank yourselves for coming to class. sometimes the hardest thing is just getting here". this is true. i find myself wanting to run the other way for a moment every day when i arrive. especially as i look in the big floor to ceiling windows of the yoga room and see the class in progress sweating and contorting themselves into ridiculous positions.
but each day at the end of class, if nothing else, i am keeping a promise to myself, working on self-discipline and working towards a goal that is fixed and much bigger than me. these things are as important, if not more important, than anything else i get out of this 2 and half week foray into yoga every day.
i came home agitated again from this class. and not sure why. there was no floppy, annoying person in front of me this time and the teacher did a good job. i just felt agitated.
i was able to focus on my breath a lot more today and used my breath to go a little deeper into some of the postures.
i'm still having a really hard time with balance.
the teachers often say at the end of class. "thank yourselves for coming to class. sometimes the hardest thing is just getting here". this is true. i find myself wanting to run the other way for a moment every day when i arrive. especially as i look in the big floor to ceiling windows of the yoga room and see the class in progress sweating and contorting themselves into ridiculous positions.
but each day at the end of class, if nothing else, i am keeping a promise to myself, working on self-discipline and working towards a goal that is fixed and much bigger than me. these things are as important, if not more important, than anything else i get out of this 2 and half week foray into yoga every day.
23 June 2010
bikram yoga, class 4
my fourth class. a real disappointing class. for several reasons.
first, a woman came in late to class and set her mat directly in front of me. she proceeded to spend the entire class one to three beats off from the rest of the class AND talking to the (admittedly very handsome) teacher. but come on!! it was so distracting. she moved into and came out of postures at different times than the rest of the class, she left the room once, got up and got a tissue once, talked directly to the teacher 3 or 4 times.
in bikram yoga, you're supposed to move together as a class throughout the entire 90 minute class in controlled and precise movements. its not only about doing the postures, its about staying as still as possible between postures despite the sweat and the heat and the discomfort and your clothes sticking to you in the most unfortunate of places. its just part of the practice. and teachers are supposed to keep students accountable to this part of the practice -- reminding students to stay together as a class. even the corpse pose is one you do with precision and control.
the hot (pun intended) teacher, eddie, would not say anything to this woman even though it was obvious it was all a play to get his attention. it was obnoxious but mostly just really distracting.
second, for some reason it seems like the yoga teachers here move faster. there is less time to rest between each posture and so i spent this class especially just feeling like i could never catch up. normally breathing comes natural to me in class, but today i not only was not aware of my breath throughout class i also just couldn't ever get settled into breathing at all. i felt like i spent the whole class trying to catch up.
third, i'm just exhausted today. not sure really why. yesterday i felt great after class. today i just felt angry and bothered and like i just couldn't keep up.
fourth, i've been having a really hard time with anything that has to do with balancing. so many of the first postures -- the standing series; the majority of the class -- are about balancing with a strong, locked standing leg while doing some wild things with the top half of your body. i can't seem to get past the first step of any of the balancing postures. today, because of the distracting woman in front of me -- or actually because of my inability to tune her out -- i fell out of the postures (or couldn't even get into them) even more than in my first class four days ago.
on another note, my headache is still gone. my muscles are feeling less stressed and tight and more open, flexible, clean. i'm still really glad i'm doing this. it is an amazing experience even with the challenges. i can feel my body getting stronger and my life focusing in on the important things -- the things i want and who i am.
my stomach and hips still are pudgy and i wonder how long it will take with a regular practice before i start to see a difference, not only in my physical appearance but in my core strength -- which, once developed will help me go much deeper into all the postures.
on yet another note, i rode my bike to an urban organic farm about a mile from where i'm staying here in austin. i bought fresh heirloom tomatoes (oaxacan jewels), fresh basil, arugula, french sorrel, pigweed amaranth, peaches and cherry tomatoes along with some pickled zucchini sticks. me and amy jones had a great picnic lunch on the UT campus and then repeated the same exact meal for dinner. this is what we had:
until tomorrow.
first, a woman came in late to class and set her mat directly in front of me. she proceeded to spend the entire class one to three beats off from the rest of the class AND talking to the (admittedly very handsome) teacher. but come on!! it was so distracting. she moved into and came out of postures at different times than the rest of the class, she left the room once, got up and got a tissue once, talked directly to the teacher 3 or 4 times.
in bikram yoga, you're supposed to move together as a class throughout the entire 90 minute class in controlled and precise movements. its not only about doing the postures, its about staying as still as possible between postures despite the sweat and the heat and the discomfort and your clothes sticking to you in the most unfortunate of places. its just part of the practice. and teachers are supposed to keep students accountable to this part of the practice -- reminding students to stay together as a class. even the corpse pose is one you do with precision and control.
the hot (pun intended) teacher, eddie, would not say anything to this woman even though it was obvious it was all a play to get his attention. it was obnoxious but mostly just really distracting.
second, for some reason it seems like the yoga teachers here move faster. there is less time to rest between each posture and so i spent this class especially just feeling like i could never catch up. normally breathing comes natural to me in class, but today i not only was not aware of my breath throughout class i also just couldn't ever get settled into breathing at all. i felt like i spent the whole class trying to catch up.
third, i'm just exhausted today. not sure really why. yesterday i felt great after class. today i just felt angry and bothered and like i just couldn't keep up.
fourth, i've been having a really hard time with anything that has to do with balancing. so many of the first postures -- the standing series; the majority of the class -- are about balancing with a strong, locked standing leg while doing some wild things with the top half of your body. i can't seem to get past the first step of any of the balancing postures. today, because of the distracting woman in front of me -- or actually because of my inability to tune her out -- i fell out of the postures (or couldn't even get into them) even more than in my first class four days ago.
on another note, my headache is still gone. my muscles are feeling less stressed and tight and more open, flexible, clean. i'm still really glad i'm doing this. it is an amazing experience even with the challenges. i can feel my body getting stronger and my life focusing in on the important things -- the things i want and who i am.
my stomach and hips still are pudgy and i wonder how long it will take with a regular practice before i start to see a difference, not only in my physical appearance but in my core strength -- which, once developed will help me go much deeper into all the postures.
on yet another note, i rode my bike to an urban organic farm about a mile from where i'm staying here in austin. i bought fresh heirloom tomatoes (oaxacan jewels), fresh basil, arugula, french sorrel, pigweed amaranth, peaches and cherry tomatoes along with some pickled zucchini sticks. me and amy jones had a great picnic lunch on the UT campus and then repeated the same exact meal for dinner. this is what we had:
- arugula and french sorrel salad with peaches, yellow cherry tomatoes, spicy roasted pumpkin seeds and a sweet vinaigrette
- fresh baked 6th street sourdough bread from sweetish bakery
- sliced oaxacan jewel tomatoes with sea salt, pepper and slivers of basil
- various cheeses, sliced
- a few pieces of fried turkey bacon
until tomorrow.
22 June 2010
bikram yoga, class 3
my third class in a row. sunday, monday, and today is tuesday.
i entered the yoga room today with a headache -- one i've had since my first yoga class a few days ago.
i was tired, sore, tight, wondering when i will ever start to feel better.
for the first 45 minutes of class, i just surrendered. i could barely keep my arms up for the very first breathing exercise, the first pose was excruciating and they mostly just kept getting worse and harder. i couldn't even focus on the teacher, what she was saying, my body, breathing or anything. i just watched other people and put my body in some semblance of the poses they were doing, my body at least recognizing the way from constant repetition. i was oblivious to everything except just watching myself struggle in the mirror and trying to keep up with the class. balancing postures were especially hard for me today and i couldn't get past the first step in each of them.
by the end of class, i felt energized. my bikram sit ups were getting more powerful and precise and clean. i moved through the entire floor series (the last 30-40 minutes of class) feeling really good and strong. the last sit up of the day, my legs stayed on the floor, my core stayed strong.
when i left class, i realized my headache was gone. later tonight i realized the soreness in my throat muscles is gone. my sternocletomastoid has released, my shoulders are looser, my legs less sore and generally i just feel good. not great yet but good and strong and alive.
on my way . . .
i entered the yoga room today with a headache -- one i've had since my first yoga class a few days ago.
i was tired, sore, tight, wondering when i will ever start to feel better.
for the first 45 minutes of class, i just surrendered. i could barely keep my arms up for the very first breathing exercise, the first pose was excruciating and they mostly just kept getting worse and harder. i couldn't even focus on the teacher, what she was saying, my body, breathing or anything. i just watched other people and put my body in some semblance of the poses they were doing, my body at least recognizing the way from constant repetition. i was oblivious to everything except just watching myself struggle in the mirror and trying to keep up with the class. balancing postures were especially hard for me today and i couldn't get past the first step in each of them.
by the end of class, i felt energized. my bikram sit ups were getting more powerful and precise and clean. i moved through the entire floor series (the last 30-40 minutes of class) feeling really good and strong. the last sit up of the day, my legs stayed on the floor, my core stayed strong.
when i left class, i realized my headache was gone. later tonight i realized the soreness in my throat muscles is gone. my sternocletomastoid has released, my shoulders are looser, my legs less sore and generally i just feel good. not great yet but good and strong and alive.
on my way . . .
bikram yoga in austin texas, day 3
so, i've come to austin, texas to visit a friend, to research possibilities for moving here and most of all to do bikram yoga every day. this is a kind of yoga where the room is heated to 105* with 40% humidity and you do a 90 minute series of hatha yoga postures. you do two sets of the same 26 postures to the same dialogue in each and every bikram yoga class from now until the end of time. this yoga has actually been copyrighted by bikram choudhury himself and is fairly controversial for that point alone. it is intense, powerful and life-changing. when i do this yoga regularly so many things i've struggled with in my life disappear -- i feel centered, balanced, clear in my mind and heart, more in tune with myself, strong like a super-hero, and able to do anything. all the loneliness and self-doubt and low self-esteem disappear with my regular practice. it's amazing.
the only studio near where i live in ohio is 45-60 minutes away and i have just found it too difficult to make a regular practice from that distance. when i have time off of work, i can find time to go, but it's not enough. i really want to get the full benefit of a regular practice and i can;'t do that going one or two times a week if i'm lucky.
so, i've come to austin for many reasons but my big goal in being here is to see what two weeks of straight yoga practice will do for me. will it inspire me to do more? will i just be exhausted? will my body feel or look any different? will it inspire me to move?
i'm on day 3 of my daily yoga practice here in austin. outside it is over 100* on the heat index. my first class on sunday kicked my ass. i had to sit or lay down through at least 10 of the 26 postures. i hadn't been to class in over 2 months and hadn't been going regularly since ab out 6-8 months ago. i felt beaten after class, not anything like a super-hero. plus i got a headache. i know this is from dehydration and loss of electrolytes. my body protesting the heat outside and the heat inside the yoga room.
the second day, i already felt stronger, though i still struggled to do both sets of all 26 postures. i felt less dizzy, and more able to make it all the way through class. afterwards though i still feel exhausted. and my head still hurts. i drank a coconut water before class and my headache went away in the short term. but came back after the 2nd class. it's a dull sort of rope of a headache wrapping around the base of my skull on the right hand side of my head -- from the neck to just above my ear.
today, my muscles are so sore, especially my legs (which i've always thought of as strong) and also my shoulders. i'm going to my 3rd class in half an hour and hope to soon get back to the place where my post-class feeling is more on the super-hero side than the super-out of shape side.
i haven't really had much energy to do anything besides prepare for and recover from class. but i know that in the end this is sort of like a run through the fire for me. it will hurt and not be very comfortable and i will probably hate parts of it. but i know -- because i have experienced first hand -- that the end result will change my life for the better. and i need that desperately right now. i need to know that there is more to life than what i've been doing. that the empty and lonely feelings and self-doubt and paralyzing fear can be overcome. it is exactly the reason i am here and exactly the reason why i've considered doing the bikram teacher training even though it's $10,000 and even though i am nowhere close to even being able to attend the training.
there are so many cool things to do in austin and i'm here for 3 weeks. i'm trying to just be kind and gentle with myself and remember the reason i came was to do yoga. i already know i could live here happily.
the only studio near where i live in ohio is 45-60 minutes away and i have just found it too difficult to make a regular practice from that distance. when i have time off of work, i can find time to go, but it's not enough. i really want to get the full benefit of a regular practice and i can;'t do that going one or two times a week if i'm lucky.
so, i've come to austin for many reasons but my big goal in being here is to see what two weeks of straight yoga practice will do for me. will it inspire me to do more? will i just be exhausted? will my body feel or look any different? will it inspire me to move?
i'm on day 3 of my daily yoga practice here in austin. outside it is over 100* on the heat index. my first class on sunday kicked my ass. i had to sit or lay down through at least 10 of the 26 postures. i hadn't been to class in over 2 months and hadn't been going regularly since ab out 6-8 months ago. i felt beaten after class, not anything like a super-hero. plus i got a headache. i know this is from dehydration and loss of electrolytes. my body protesting the heat outside and the heat inside the yoga room.
the second day, i already felt stronger, though i still struggled to do both sets of all 26 postures. i felt less dizzy, and more able to make it all the way through class. afterwards though i still feel exhausted. and my head still hurts. i drank a coconut water before class and my headache went away in the short term. but came back after the 2nd class. it's a dull sort of rope of a headache wrapping around the base of my skull on the right hand side of my head -- from the neck to just above my ear.
today, my muscles are so sore, especially my legs (which i've always thought of as strong) and also my shoulders. i'm going to my 3rd class in half an hour and hope to soon get back to the place where my post-class feeling is more on the super-hero side than the super-out of shape side.
i haven't really had much energy to do anything besides prepare for and recover from class. but i know that in the end this is sort of like a run through the fire for me. it will hurt and not be very comfortable and i will probably hate parts of it. but i know -- because i have experienced first hand -- that the end result will change my life for the better. and i need that desperately right now. i need to know that there is more to life than what i've been doing. that the empty and lonely feelings and self-doubt and paralyzing fear can be overcome. it is exactly the reason i am here and exactly the reason why i've considered doing the bikram teacher training even though it's $10,000 and even though i am nowhere close to even being able to attend the training.
there are so many cool things to do in austin and i'm here for 3 weeks. i'm trying to just be kind and gentle with myself and remember the reason i came was to do yoga. i already know i could live here happily.
25 May 2010
the FOOL
paraphrased from a very incomplete website, re-printed in a way which casts me in a good light: one shameless and unobjective interpretation of the fool archetype and what it has meant to humanity throughout the ages and what it might mean now to one tiny person quitting her job:
Fool is the teacher. With his lessons, he awakens us to who we are and allows us to explore the true purpose of our soul's journey . . .
His energy allows us to break out of old stereotypes, whether they've been imposed by ourselves, our families, our culture, or circumstance. This is the energy that opens the world of limitless possibilities and it behooves us all to work with it before it destroys us . . .
Someone kindly requested that I remove comments about "fools" from my previous post. Instead, I chose to look at the term "fool" and how it might, in a grand stretch of the imagination, apply to the way I used it there.
In my years of working life, I have constantly been attracted to these "great opportunities" which are very exciting and where I have to become a trail blazer, taking on lots of responsibility, doing the vision work in addition to the nuts and bolts work of making these great opportunities into potential careers all the while working myself to the bone for little to no pay (that seems to be how "great opportunities" work). Each time it has failed. Often it is because the people I work for take issue with my strong personality, grand ideas and potent but well-intentioned critiques. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am not really a good employee. Not because I don't work hard, but because I work as hard for other people as I would if I was working for myself and then end up resenting the fact that they can't see, don't appreciate it, won't compensate me for it, etc. etc.
So, the fools with good intentions I have been working for, have played exactly the role outlined in the above quote: I am leaving this job with a much clearer view of the true purpose in my life, a much clearer understanding of the journey I have been on and how my current difficulties fit into the bigger story of my life. I am also breaking out of old self/other/circumstantial stereotypes by leaving this job now. I believe if I had waited much longer, the job I was doing would have destroyed me. And I would have again been in the position of having to put the pieces back together. Instead I am moving into a place of limitless possibilities.
I have worked for many fools with good intentions and each has taught me valuable lessons that have brought me to this great place of transformation and awakening. I feel like a new person.
I'm happy to be moving on, happy I took this particular and most recent "great opportunity", happy I gave it my absolute best shot and most of all I'm happy that I recognized the right time to get out of a situation that was detrimental to my health and well-being on many levels. (Not the fault of any one person, but a circumstance of a difficult situation where no one seems to be very comfortable or feel really good).
04 April 2010
a new year
it has been a long time since i posted anything here. life has taken me down many bumpy roads, some quiet roads and around many unforeseen corners. it is spring again in ohio. i am living on the bike path -- the old railroad bed for the coal company that used to own these lands. the bike path between the plains and athens (a stretch of about 3 miles) contains some rich, beautiful, healthy woods. so far, i have seen dutchman's britches, turkey corn, trout lily, coltsfoot, red trillium, may apple, buckeye and many other plants i can't quite remember the names of. the last few days of warmth have turned the deep wooded hills green with life. april is really the best month to be alive in southeast ohio i think.
i quit my job today. and boy does it feel good. i'm not done working, but i'm done putting up with the craziness of the people i work for. i will stay for 1 more month in my current position for my current employers then be back on my own again. i am hoping to buy a catering truck -- a small one that fits my means and budget. something that is the scale of one lady with lots of big ideas and tons of skills.
i hope to finally -- for once in my life, to be working for myself, to create exactly the kind of life i've always wanted -- one filled with flexibility, abundance, creativity. i am an unconventional sort of gal and have always tried to take the safe road, getting a paycheck and driving myself crazy working for fools with good intentions. now, i want to work for myself (maybe i'm also a fool but at least it will be my own good intentions and foolishness making me crazy and not someone else's).
all is up in the air again. and i am happy. ready to look forward, move forward and shake myself free of the chains i have so foolishly chosen . . .
it is april in southeast ohio. the hills are turning green. the trees are coming out of hibernation. my skin is warm and i sweat freely in the sun. i am filled with hope and expectation and some sense that i am breaking out of a cacoon (cliche i know but it really is true) it is really this moment every year when it feels like the year begins again.
happy spring everyone and here's to new beginnings.
i quit my job today. and boy does it feel good. i'm not done working, but i'm done putting up with the craziness of the people i work for. i will stay for 1 more month in my current position for my current employers then be back on my own again. i am hoping to buy a catering truck -- a small one that fits my means and budget. something that is the scale of one lady with lots of big ideas and tons of skills.
i hope to finally -- for once in my life, to be working for myself, to create exactly the kind of life i've always wanted -- one filled with flexibility, abundance, creativity. i am an unconventional sort of gal and have always tried to take the safe road, getting a paycheck and driving myself crazy working for fools with good intentions. now, i want to work for myself (maybe i'm also a fool but at least it will be my own good intentions and foolishness making me crazy and not someone else's).
all is up in the air again. and i am happy. ready to look forward, move forward and shake myself free of the chains i have so foolishly chosen . . .
it is april in southeast ohio. the hills are turning green. the trees are coming out of hibernation. my skin is warm and i sweat freely in the sun. i am filled with hope and expectation and some sense that i am breaking out of a cacoon (cliche i know but it really is true) it is really this moment every year when it feels like the year begins again.
happy spring everyone and here's to new beginnings.
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