bikram yoga -- interlude to letting go

during one of the first bikram classes i took here in austin, the teacher said something very interesting. it was about how people in the united states have a really hard time letting go, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and in all ways. the teacher said that this manifests in so many ways; when we get injured and create stories and meanings and blockages about that injury, when we go through hardships and then define our lives by the challenges we've been through, when we tell ourselves we can't do something because we could never do it before, when we generally just hang on to all the hard stuff because "it made us who we are" rather than letting it go and moving on to what we can and will become.

this was a really powerful and important message for me right now as i contemplate moving away from the place i've always thought of as my home and as i practice breaking out of old patterns and constrictions based on old, old stories i've always told myself about who i am and what i want and what i'm capable of.

i have such a hard time letting go. i have such a hard time moving on from difficulty. i spend a lot of time telling myself and others about all the things that have happened to me in the past. all the ways i'm limited or scarred or scared or hurt. i constantly remind myself of all the ways i've been abused, misused, misunderstood or all the terrible things i've experienced or had happen to me. it's like somehow these things keep me grounded and remind me of who i am. i think, though, that it is okay to let go these things. that it is okay to set these things on the memory shelf to ponder and look at as needed, and instead to start creating new stories and new experiences. to make space for who i am now and who i will become.

because of course the problem is that it is only the challenges and difficulties and hard things that i keep reminding myself of. it's not the great experiences, the wonderful friends, the joy and happiness i've had, the wonderful places i've seen, the successes, the great journeys, the love i've felt from others and the love i've given, the praise i've recieved, the personal goals and achievements i've made and reached. it is none of these things that i remember and none of these stories i repeat to myself. i seem to find it really easy to let these things go.

so, a big part of my practice right now is to let go; physically while doing the yoga and mentally/emotionally in my daily life. it is a real challenge and mostly leaves me feeling both ungrounded and full of excitement and anticipation. like learning the inside of some new skin.