bikram yoga in austin texas, day 3

so, i've come to austin, texas to visit a friend, to research possibilities for moving here and most of all to do bikram yoga every day. this is a kind of yoga where the room is heated to 105* with 40% humidity and you do a 90 minute series of hatha yoga postures. you do two sets of the same 26 postures to the same dialogue in each and every bikram yoga class from now until the end of time. this yoga has actually been copyrighted by bikram choudhury himself and is fairly controversial for that point alone. it is intense, powerful and life-changing. when i do this yoga regularly so many things i've struggled with in my life disappear -- i feel centered, balanced, clear in my mind and heart, more in tune with myself, strong like a super-hero, and able to do anything. all the loneliness and self-doubt and low self-esteem disappear with my regular practice. it's amazing.

the only studio near where i live in ohio is 45-60 minutes away and i have just found it too difficult to make a regular practice from that distance. when i have time off of work, i can find time to go, but it's not enough. i really want to get the full benefit of a regular practice and i can;'t do that going one or two times a week if i'm lucky.

so, i've come to austin for many reasons but my big goal in being here is to see what two weeks of straight yoga practice will do for me. will it inspire me to do more? will i just be exhausted? will my body feel or look any different? will it inspire me to move?

i'm on day 3 of my daily yoga practice here in austin. outside it is over 100* on the heat index. my first class on sunday kicked my ass. i had to sit or lay down through at least 10 of the 26 postures. i hadn't been to class in over 2 months and hadn't been going regularly since ab out 6-8 months ago. i felt beaten after class, not anything like a super-hero. plus i got a headache. i know this is from dehydration and loss of electrolytes. my body protesting the heat outside and the heat inside the yoga room.

the second day, i already felt stronger, though i still struggled to do both sets of all 26 postures. i felt less dizzy, and more able to make it all the way through class. afterwards though i still feel exhausted. and my head still hurts. i drank a coconut water before class and my headache went away in the short term. but came back after the 2nd class. it's a dull sort of rope of a headache wrapping around the base of my skull on the right hand side of my head -- from the neck to just above my ear.

today, my muscles are so sore, especially my legs (which i've always thought of as strong) and also my shoulders. i'm going to my 3rd class in half an hour and hope to soon get back to the place where my post-class feeling is more on the super-hero side than the super-out of shape side.

i haven't really had much energy to do anything besides prepare for and recover from class. but i know that in the end this is sort of like a run through the fire for me. it will hurt and not be very comfortable and i will probably hate parts of it. but i know -- because i have experienced first hand -- that the end result will change my life for the better. and i need that desperately right now. i need to know that there is more to life than what i've been doing. that the empty and lonely feelings and self-doubt and paralyzing fear can be overcome. it is exactly the reason i am here and exactly the reason why i've considered doing the bikram teacher training even though it's $10,000 and even though i am nowhere close to even being able to attend the training.

there are so many cool things to do in austin and i'm here for 3 weeks. i'm trying to just be kind and gentle with myself and remember the reason i came was to do yoga. i already know i could live here happily.

A Plan or a Gorilla In A Pantsuit

I am slowly working my way towards getting everything I want. What an interesting road. This weekend I made a decision. A plan. I'm going to do something. And I feel really good. It is a plan that has been a couple years in the making but it's mine and I'm ready.

The plan is this:

This summer (in 1 month, actually), I will move to Yellow Springs, Ohio. I will start working on 2 different organic farms, both of which I can get to on my bicycle. I will pick up a little work with my father and will start baking goods for the Saturday Farmer's Market. After the growing season, sometime in the fall, maybe October, maybe November, I will put on my walking shoes and head south. This is the part of the plan that has been in the making for some time. I have wanted to travel in Central America and Mexico for a long time but keep putting it off til later. But now (or in the fall really) is the time. I don't know when I will come back northward and at this point it doesn't really matter. It only matters that I head south and keep going til I'm done.

I like this plan. It's simple, easy and feels good in all the right places.

I'm kind of sad to leave Athens behind but it will always be here. And anyway, I was starting to get bored here, mostly cause I've been ignoring that southward pull for too long.

I have also finally resigned myself (happily) to the fact that I am a traveler. It is okay. If I don't keep moving, I begin to wither and die, slowly, imperceptibly, like a locust, I might look alive but if you flick me with your finger, I will shatter into a thousand pieces, the perfectly intact shell giving way to the perfectly hollow insides. That is, if I don't keep moving when I need to, and coming home when I need to. This is my rhythm and I've been doubting it, trying to force myself into forms and molds and patterns that don't suit me, like a gorilla in a pantsuit.