bikram yoga class 12 -- over the hump

yesterday's class was even stronger than saturday's -- when i went in with terrible cramps. other people were complaining that it was too hot yesterday and i felt it was cooler. it is possible that i have simply gotten over the hump and am now beginning to really get the benefits of the yoga. i only had to sit down once in class, during the second set of triangle pose. other than that, i made it through class strong and focused and calm. the core muscles in my belly feel worked which is a sign that i am using them more than my extremities to hold postures and push myself deeper.

i plan on attending class again today and will hopefully again walk out of there with that familiar super-hero feeling.

namaste.

bikram yoga -- interlude to letting go

during one of the first bikram classes i took here in austin, the teacher said something very interesting. it was about how people in the united states have a really hard time letting go, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and in all ways. the teacher said that this manifests in so many ways; when we get injured and create stories and meanings and blockages about that injury, when we go through hardships and then define our lives by the challenges we've been through, when we tell ourselves we can't do something because we could never do it before, when we generally just hang on to all the hard stuff because "it made us who we are" rather than letting it go and moving on to what we can and will become.

this was a really powerful and important message for me right now as i contemplate moving away from the place i've always thought of as my home and as i practice breaking out of old patterns and constrictions based on old, old stories i've always told myself about who i am and what i want and what i'm capable of.

i have such a hard time letting go. i have such a hard time moving on from difficulty. i spend a lot of time telling myself and others about all the things that have happened to me in the past. all the ways i'm limited or scarred or scared or hurt. i constantly remind myself of all the ways i've been abused, misused, misunderstood or all the terrible things i've experienced or had happen to me. it's like somehow these things keep me grounded and remind me of who i am. i think, though, that it is okay to let go these things. that it is okay to set these things on the memory shelf to ponder and look at as needed, and instead to start creating new stories and new experiences. to make space for who i am now and who i will become.

because of course the problem is that it is only the challenges and difficulties and hard things that i keep reminding myself of. it's not the great experiences, the wonderful friends, the joy and happiness i've had, the wonderful places i've seen, the successes, the great journeys, the love i've felt from others and the love i've given, the praise i've recieved, the personal goals and achievements i've made and reached. it is none of these things that i remember and none of these stories i repeat to myself. i seem to find it really easy to let these things go.

so, a big part of my practice right now is to let go; physically while doing the yoga and mentally/emotionally in my daily life. it is a real challenge and mostly leaves me feeling both ungrounded and full of excitement and anticipation. like learning the inside of some new skin.

bikram yoga, class 11 -- so much better

i skipped class yesterday to get a massage and nurse my cramps. today, i didn't want to go because my cramps were so bad. even as i drove there, i was sure i wouldn't be able to even stay in the room. but i went anyway. as soon as class started, my cramps released and i did one of my strongest classes yet. the temperature was just a little cooler today than it has been the last few times i've gone and it seemed to make all the difference in the world.

there wasn't much new or different about today's class, only the huge relief when i left the yoga room feeling so much better than when i went in.

afterwards, amy and i hosted a few ladies for a summer dinner of pesto, pasta from athens ohio, a zucchini/summer squash/fire roasted tomato sauce, and fresh tomato slices with salt and pepper -- all purchased at the austin farmer's market today.

bikram yoga, classes 9 & 10 -- when will it get easier?

when will it get easier? this is the question i keep asking myself. i've now done 10 classes in 12 days and i still have to sit down multiple times in class. i keep thinking i should be further. i should be able to do more.

the truth is that i am doing more. i am finally starting to feel the edges of the full expressions of some of the postures in class -- standing bow pulling pose and rabbit pose and even triangle pose when i can actually get through this posture without having to sit down. maybe it's because i'm going deeper into the postures and going practically every day that i am still struggling to stay standing or engaged through the whole class.

i ate pesto 3 hours before class today and that was a bad idea. raw garlic can be added to the list of foods not to eat before bikram yoga -- this list is currently peanut butter and raw garlic.

i'm also stronger during the breathing exercises. i've also figured out how to touch my hand, my knee and my opposite foot all together while twisting my upper body around in the very last posture of the class. i've also worked most of the residual swelling out of my wrists and forearms seemingly for good. i've also been able to straighten my legs almost completely (for the first time today) in the 2nd to last pose of class.

my whole body is tightening up too; stomach, thighs, arms -- the skin is smooth and the muscles feel strong. my skin in general looks great -- my excema has cleared up, my skin is hydrated and clear. my mind is clear. i am focused. feel really able to deal with stress. i'm calm and collected. even in the midst of my friend's car accident, the very clear message that i need to go back to school, the idea of moving (again), quitting my previous job, even with all that and probably more i'm forgetting, i feel calm and focused.

there are still postures that are very difficult for me -- standing leg head to knee posture, eagle pose, full locust, cobra, but there are more that are just getting easier -- locust, standing bow pulling, standing stick, triangle.

i'm still having trouble remembering to breathe while in posture. and still also having a little trouble adjusting to the actual heat of a 105* room. but all in all i think i'm doing pretty good. and feeling even better.